"Who am I? And why am I here?"
Though that question works its way through everyone's minds at some point(s), it seemed to have stuck with me even longer than my depression did. Existentialism has been a constant factor in my life ever since I became an adult, and the question continued to grow in significance with each year that passed.
Those of you reading this that don't know me personally would probably accuse me of bragging when I write this, but I've lived an exceptional life from day one. Several months premature at one pound, nine ounces, I was given a 50/50 chance of surviving my first night. Some people chalk this up to luck, but I've known all along that it was God. I've gone through too many coincidences to believe in accidents ever again.
But that was only the beginning of my brushes with death. I got bitten by a water moccasin snake at camp, with the only reason I survived being that it bit me on the knuckle and didn't break the skin. I got frostbite in the West Virginia Mountains (that one was my own fault). I lost control of my car on the highway during a thunderstorm and nearly crashed. You'll never know what real fear is until you see a whole bunch of red lights pop up on the dashboard because the car was too close to the ground and got waterlogged. And I had to take shelter at Carowinds during a tornado warning, complete with blaring siren.
And all of that was before my battles against suicidal thoughts that nearly claimed me twice. Even in the middle of the muck, I realized that for one reason or another, Satan must really want me dead. But I just couldn't figure out why.
With no answer to that all-looming question on the horizon, I fell into uncertainty, constantly questioning and second-guessing everything I did and wondering if it was the right choice. I let opportunity after opportunity slip through my fingers, because I was too afraid to make a decision. Or sometimes I would act too impulsively as a contrast, rushing forward into anything and everything just so I could say I did SOMETHING. But I still didn't know what I wanted to do. What was my purpose in life? I prayed to God again and again, but he didn't give an answer. Or at least, he didn't give one directly.
But after reminiscing upon my life and having one final conversation with a friend of mine, everything fell into place.
I've been through some very dark places throughout my life that nearly killed me. But I've also seen just how wonderful life can be. I've seen stories that have inspired me to push further and fight harder. I remember my thirteenth birthday party when a group of my friends and I rented out some hotel rooms and had the time of our lives. I remember my trip to the Grand Canyon where I got to see a singing fountain and fly in a freaking helicopter. I've met some truly wonderful people who refuse to let life break them no matter how hard it hits. I managed to reconcile a relationship with someone I thought I would never speak to again and allow forgiveness to heal the two of us. And after everything Satan's tried to throw at me and no matter how miserable I became, I'm still alive.
Life isn't easy. No one ever said it was. It will chew you, and it will crush you, and it will spit you out with nothing. But life is worth living. I see that now. And I promise everyone reading this right now. I will live.
And now, I know what my purpose in life is. In a world marred by misery and maliciousness, the news media continues to stoke feelings of outrage and division in order to gain more political power for themselves, helped along by our inner life critics. They've crafted a world where everyone's out to get you, where you're absolutely powerless, and where life has no meaning.
I will use my writing, my voice, and everything that I am to show the world that life IS worth living. It has beauty, virtue, and wisdom for all to enjoy. You just have to go out and take it.
My name is Jordan Edwards. AND THIS IS WHO I AM!