Why I Don't Understand Love

This is going to be one of those controversial opinions. Not because of any inappropriate content or anything like that, but more because the views that I'm about to express aren't "correct." When I say "correct," I don't necessarily mean from a factual standpoint but from a perceived moral standpoint. For example, it's an often-repeated adage that we can do anything that we set our minds to. All that's needed is hard work and determination. And while there is some truth in that to an extent as the many success stories over the years can show you, people are a lot less comfortable to talk about the ones that don't make it. The idea that you can try your absolute hardest and still fail is a thought so inconceivable that many full-grown adults bury that perception deep inside themselves no matter how likely the scenario can be. It's not uplifting and encouraging so we don't talk about it.

This is another idea we don't really talk about. The perils of love.

From the very beginning, I've never understood love. It flies in the face of everything logical and reasonable. Why would any one want to get married if the divorce rates are so high? Why expose oneself to that potential tragedy in the first place, especially when divorce courts and custody laws are skewed in favor of the woman? Is half your earnings for the rest of your life really worth it if it might not last?

Why would anyone bother having children? Pro-abortionists refer to offspring as parasites, an idea profoundly rejected by those who support life from conception. But even so, children can't feed or clothe themselves, make a whole lot of racket over nothing, and whether they grow up right or not is entirely dependent on years of sweat, tears, and effort. And for what? A few heartfelt moments of bonding every now and then?

Why would a God on high who knows the wickedness of his creations enough to wipe them all out entirely and individually multiple times still be willing to step down from His godly throne and sacrifice his Son's life for all of humanity even though he knows there are people out there who have and will never accept his Gift? Yet he did it anyway. Why? It doesn't make any sense.

And then there's me.

I've always struggled with my self-esteem; because in my mind, I wasn't really worth loving. I mentioned my suicidal thoughts in previous posts but it went deeper than that. Ever since I became an adult, I started to feel like a parasite, constantly consuming food, water, and space without having any opportunity to give back to those who had sacrificed so much for me. I had a whole list of accomplishments under my belt, but none of them were making me any money, and part-time jobs weren't enough to survive on. And when I finally graduated college and still didn't have a job or any know-how on how to find one, I thought that was it. I was doomed forever to a life of destitution, chasing a pipe dream until the end. No matter how much progress I made, it never felt like I was progressing fast enough. So for me, being loved just meant letting everyone's expectations down again, and again, and again, and again.

I was almost relieved when my Dad made me move out. Because that meant I had no one to disappoint but myself. No expectations, no grand ambitions to fall short of, and no more getting yelled at for wasting my life. Sure, I'd succeeded in everything I done up to that point, but none of it was making money. If I hadn't set my sights on grad school, I would have probably wasted away and died on a cot somewhere. Not that I cared about it, or really anything.

And yet...

Why does hugging one of my parents bring me such joy?

Why does coddling the family dog for more than a few minutes get me teary-eyes?

Why do I feel so touched whenever I see a baby?

Why was I able to rekindle a relationship with someone I thought I'd never be able to talk to again?

Why do I keep trying to find it despite multiple heart breaks?

The truth is that as much as I may want to be sometimes, I am not a robot. Love isn't just an optional extra, it's downright necessary to be human. To properly function, one must both give and receive it. Regardless of how ludicrous it is.